I’m suppose to be packing for coachella. Instead I’m in bed. My muscles hurt and I can’t breathe. I know I’m having a panic attack but I just want it to stop. Need to find a way to cope. Sometimes I think about how other people who just get really excited and are all energized and shit and my body if there’s too much going on wi just be like “haha sike, go to sleep”. I’m wondering how much of this is connected to me still unlearning shit about my body (yes you’re fat and you’re gonna sweat but you aren’t gonna die I have to tell myself daily) and how much is connected to something that happened last year that still scares me. How much my anxiety is linked to wanted to feel safe. How much of it is linked to the fact that I crashed yesterday and am scared to drive.
My anxiety is kinda like my spirit telling me my survival instincts need to be on high alert. I don’t wanna be in a state of panic though. I wanna have an existence for a bit that can just be living and not trying to survive. Just long enough to enjoy life.